Modern social media has changed the way I think. Rather than have actual ponder-y thoughts, I find myself planning out how to relay my musings in a witty status update. This happens multiple times per day. And then, the moment is gone, I completely forget what I was thinking about, and it never makes it past my noggin.
(p.s. This is the first image when you Google the phrase “tell them what they’ve won.” It’s like I got you a pony! But I didn’t. I just got you this marvelous image, which is frankly almost as good.)
I’m going to collect all those daily thoughts and flop them down haphazardly here! For your reading enjoyment! You’re welcome!
First installment: car seats to gay porn. Hooray!
1) The way to test to see if you’re ready to be a parent is to install two car seats, in the dark, while it’s sleeting rain/snow. If you can do it without hurling something across the yard, slamming the car doors more than six times, or screaming obscenities at innocent latch hooks, then you may be ready to parent. For the record, I am not ready to parent.
2) Realized I am only two years away from my TWENTY FREAKING YEAR high school reunion. This led to three thoughts. Thought one: holy. shit. Thought two: Pretty sure you have to identify as adult when you commemorate twenty years of the end of something. So… I’m a grown-up now, I guess. Thought three: I have two years to get my shit together so I can pretend I never got super fat.
3) Got the Big Kid his first Shamrock shake. “Mom… this is the most amazing drink ever. It’s so… green.” We’re all right there with ya, kid.
4) How I know I am an adult: I do not pull off chips of peeling paint from my walls or ceiling; I consider when I will be able to scrape and repaint. How I know I will never be fully adult: god DAMMIT I want to pull off that chunk of paint SO bad.
5) Had an odd moment today where I realized a lot of the things I hear as a parent would, in a different context, not be out of place on the set of a gay porn movie. Consider these actual moments from this week:
“Batman will ride the Batmobile and Robin will ride this cucumber.”
“I kind of prefer you don’t kiss me directly on the butt.”
“Aww, look at all those bears piled up on your face!”
And, the old stand-by: “Look how flexible my penis is!”
Til next time, keep it awkward, friends.